Carrying the Cross After Innocence Lost

First, I want to thank every single person who went down on their knees, who prayed or even thought about us in the last 10 days.  So many of you emailed, messaged, even texted us to let us know you were praying and cared.

For that, there really are no words adequate enough to come close to how hopeful and covered in prayer you made us feel.  You helped ease what was surely one of the scariest times of my life.

And so, I owe you an update, it’s the least I can do …

Today I’m devastated to tell you that we lost our beloved baby.  He (or she) has joined all the angels and saints in the Kingdom of Heaven.  He still lives.  He will never know pain or sadness, fear or loneliness.  He now stands before the throne of God as our personal intercessor.  He is truly innocent and perfect.

I guess it’s incredibly selfish of me, but what I would have done to have him in my arms.  Me protecting him.  Me, loving him, cherishing him.

But that was not meant to be. The scan yesterday showed nothing at all.  It’s as if I was never pregnant now.  Where a mere week ago I saw a tiny little baby with a flicker of a heartbeat, today all of that is gone.

I’m devastated, really.  Shocked.  Completely broken. I can barely breathe as I’m writing this.  I want to tell you I’m fine, that none of this matters, but I can’t.  Am I being uncharacteristically dramatic?  Am I over-reacting?  Maybe. But, I want to scream, I want someone to blame.  I want to hide until I’ve no more tears left.  I really really want my baby back.

Where I find myself today is in stark contrast to hope.  It’s dark, desolate and lonely.  It’s so very painful and I can’t pretend I’m not angry, and that I don’t feel abandoned, because I do.  I most certainly feel as though our constant pleading and begging fell on deaf ears.

But I also know God is in control, and not in the “everything happens for a reason” way because that’s always offered in a cheerful, don’t worry about it, God wanted this and so you have to trust His way…

This is simply, God is in control.  And while I’m angry, heartbroken, hurt, deeply saddened, suffering and shaken, I will still praise Him. I still love Him.

I don’t understand. I’ll never understand, not ever.  But, I will work on being  thankful that God heard our pleas to protect and keep our baby safe … I just had the desire for that to happen here, on earth.

He, however, doesn’t think so small.

So, again, thank you for you time, your prayers, your thoughts and words of encouragement.

“I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.”                                                                         —  Mother M. Angelica


16 thoughts on “Carrying the Cross After Innocence Lost”

  1. I cry as I read this. I am so sorry this has happened. My wife also has had a miscarriage and I know the pain that you suffer. God has a plan for all of us, born and unborn. That is why we are on this earth with a plan to live in his word and with his guidance to do what he wants.
    I will always pray for you and the family. Watching your youtube channel has gotten me through a lot. Made me happy watching your family be happy. Three years ago I was hurt at work. I had nothing to do, but watch a loving family enjoy a journey of a life time that makes them happy. Your family will always be prayed for no matter what.
    Chris Bush

    • Chris, thank you so much. You are so very kind!! I’m terribly sorry for you and your wife’s loss … devastating. xoxox

  2. Susie, my thoughts and prayers are with you. May God bring peace to your aching heart and empty arms. Just breathe darlin’. Every breath brings you closer to raising him in the eternities. <3

  3. I can’t begin to fathom what you as a family are going through. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make any of this any easier. I will keep your entire family in my prayers.

  4. Susie,

    We have 5 kids and 2 dogs and can pretty much say the same thing that you guys have said that living out of an RV is magic as it does release you to the wonders of the outside world. Nothing better than waking up and having 4 inches of snow on the ground to freshen things up 🙂 I offer up my sincerest condolences to you and your family on the loss of your unborn child. You ask being dramatic or over-reacting? No, not at all! Pain, sorrow and misery you experience and without shame you can share that with tender ears. That is what compassion of the fellow man offers you. Without sharing my own trauma, I can say fervently that life events will take you closer to what He wants for you in your life and you will undoubtedly ask how certain events could possibly have brought significant meaning to your life. My favourite line of the serenity prayer…Hardships are the pathway to peace. The tragic, life altering events will continue to come our way it’s a matter of how we receive, accept and process this with the final step of action and reply. If you haven’t already, may I suggest reading “The Least of These” by Sheila Wray Gregoire who lost her son at 29 days old. Grief isn’t something that you just “get over” as it’s a very long emotional road of high peeks and low valleys regardless of the time that has passed. May the warm and wonderful moments that He provides come to lift the sorrows that suppress you. As you travel may you be blessed with Peace, Love and Good Happiness Stuff.

    • doug … thank you so much for this heartfelt comment. The serenity prayer runs through my head 24/7 lately. I will check out “The Least of These” today, thanks again and God Bless you and your family!!


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