Let’s get this out in the open, no elephants in the room, I have 11 kids. Yes, they are all mine, I gave birth to all of them, no, none of them are twins and yes, I know all their names (though between you and me I never get them right).
I’m aware that there is a segment of the population that thinks I’m crazy, certifiable even. Another segment that sees me as the single most detrimental threat to the survival of the planet. And yet another segment that is so incredibly grateful that it’s me with the 11 kids and not them that they say so out loud everytime we encounter each other. “Thank God it’s you and not me.” as if pregnancy is something you accidentally catch. Be forewarned that if you say something truly nasty, I’m just that much more determined to improve the world and make you a minority.
It blows my mind the comments that flow so easily out of normally well mannered individuals. Did you know that some people stare and point and count as we fill the aisles of the grocery store? Ha Ha Surely the fact that I get out of the house at all is astonishing to you, yet, leaving the house with more than one or two or three kids is inconceivable and with 11 — suicidal. Most of the time, read ALL the time, I simply want to get in and out, get whatever it is we are doing done and do it with the speed of light. Yet, this is not permitted. No, on the contrary. I am suddenly barraged with questions ranging from none of your business to downright intrusive. I’m left standing in an aisle with my mouth agape, kids run amok, and nothing intelligent, nothing but sounds emitting from my mouth.
Seriously, the minute I’m accosted my kids smell victim and they turn into monsters. They climb the walls, they eat the grapes, they lick strangers, they scream to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”. Then the curious one says, “I just don’t know how you do it.” To which I reply, in my best keeping it together, while gritting my teeth, “I’m NOT doing it right now.”
I truly respect those of you who are able to represent and evangelize for the cause when faced with such awkwardness. For those of you like me, who either say nothing or get nasty and turn the inquisition back on the socially inept questioner, “having kids keeps me young. You’re looking haggard, you should try it.”, I’ve come up with the solution. Index Cards. Yep. So as you are passing the gawkers, the counters, the questioners, the pointers, simply say, “Obviously I have my hands full, this should answer all your questions.” as you hand them the card!
The Life Saving Index Card FAQ’s:
Q: Wow, you’ve got your hands full, don’t you?
A: Why yes, thank you for noticing. Please help me get them all to the car and hold the baby, she’s leaking.
Q: What does your husband do?
A: OMGsh he works out ALL the time and if you ever saw him naked, you’d be surprised that I don’t have 35 kids!
Q: How do you afford that many children?
A: They totally pay for themselves. Between child labor & child tax credits we come out ahead every April!
Q: Don’t you know what causes that?
A: Yes, if it feels good, do it!
Q: How on earth do you do it?
A: Well, first you get naked, then you … (then say) You really don’t know?
Q: Are those ALL your kids?
A: No, I have 5 more at home.
Q: Are you done?
A: Heck no, we’re trying to catch up to the Duggars.
Q: Guess you don’t have cable.
A: HBO is our favorite channel.
Q: Did you always want a ton of kids?
A: No actually, this is my service to my country and the near bankruptcy of Social Security. Someone is going to have to pay in for you to collect, and since my kids will actually be responsible citizens, I was chosen…by Obama.
So, print this on your index cards (feel free to add or embellish), laminate them and keep them with you at all times. You could even employ your children in the handing out of the cards so your ninja-ness is not even slightly jarred. Stay in the groove, sister … you got it going on, you know what is important in this life and while you may not drive the sexiest car in the world, you may not have a designer kitchen, you do have the gift that keeps on giving … your countless blessings, your gifts from God. So this Thanksgiving, be sure to stop and give thanks, not for your things, not for your belongings, but for the grace of God that is implanted in your heart and soul. God Bless.
PS – In all honestly, for the most part, if you are kind and simply curious, ask away, I really don’t mind, in fact, it’s fun. =) If, however, you are a tree-hugging, save the planet, kill the humans, psycho liberal, I will break out in song and sing, “Jesus Loves the Little Children” … I’m just saying!!