Pregnancy week 13.
It’s 6:30 am as I sit here sipping hot Peppermint Tea, exceptionally quiet here this early in the morning, especially after an evening spent kayaking. I’m learning to enjoy waking early to get some peace and time to reflect as the majority of the kids tend to be night owls rather than morning people, Elly especially. Free time to pray, reflect, meditate is becoming more and more of a rarity as I am feeling the need to go to bed earlier and earlier and the kids are staying up later and later bc of daylight savings time.
I’m fervently waving goodbye to this baby’s first trimester!! Can you believe it? I literally awoke on Wednesday (the day I turned 13 weeks) expecting a magic switch to have jolted me into the sex crazed, energy laden, second tri chick I have always been and always adored. Here it is Friday, Friday people, and still nothing! I’m still tired, tired in a “I really can’t drag myself off the couch” kinda way. I’m still stuck eating disgusting food, and drinking Ginger Ale by the case load.
Around week 7 I started to get exceptionally nauseous, literally almost throwing up a few times. I couldn’t stomach RAW foods any longer, the thought of fresh Graperfruit Juice turned my stomach, fresh veggies, forget about it. I was craving meat smothered in cheese. Weird because I’m a RAW foodie, I love juicing and dehydrating and Smoothies. But this baby wants meat and cheese, so meat and cheese it was.
Fast forward to today and well, I’m sad. You see, I’m not as nauseous because, well, we believe I lost a twin. I was bleeding (TMI?) and went to the Dr because I was afraid I was having a miscarriage. The doctors didn’t give me much information, and my emotions were too out there for me to really ask questions, but they said, the second baby didn’t grow, or thrive or that I miscarried, they couldn’t say for sure.
Truth be told, I’m struggling with this. I’m not sure how to feel. I felt at once grief and relief at the fact that I did had a baby who was living and thriving within my womb. But at the same time, there was another baby who by 9 weeks was being expelled from my body. What does that mean? I’m at once terribly sad, and at he same time, incredibly thankful, which in turn makes me feel guilty. I’ve never been here before, new waters, new worries, new fears … one day at a time, I suppose.
These days, all I want to eat is Pepperoni Pizza, ooey gooey pepperoni pizza! Mmmm. The cheese must be hot and melted and the Pepperoni must be crisp on the sides. No-other meat, veggie, fruit, nothing is permitted to reside on my piece of pizza. I eat pizza everyday, drink ginger ale and down my Pre-Natal Vitamins, which I loved during Lent because they are gummy vits covered in sugar, but now they are repulsive. The end result of this diet is that the scale and I are not on speaking terms, in fact I may have broken it when I threw it at the ground. This could get ugly if I don’t get my mojo back, get into the river, get moving in my running shoes and start eating some healthy foods. However,one of the wonderful things about being pregnant is it’s truly magnificent, obviously, but also … the bigger your stomach gets, the smaller the rest of you seems.
I’ve also begun the obsession of seeking a dr who will do a vbac after 2 C-sections! Both exciting and scary. My previous dr told me I’d never find anyone in the entire US who would do this, but I have an appt May 11 with a Dr a mere 1.5 hours away who makes the decision on a case by case basis! Those of you who followed us back in 2010 when I was pregnant with Elly will know the agony, not an overly dramatic word in this case, I put myself through regarding VBAC. I had a dr who seemed somewhat ok with the idea.However, the hospital had a 100% zero tolerance policy for vbac’s. So, the scenario I was looking at was that I could not arrive at the hospital before I was actively in the final stages of labor and as she put it, I had to demand my Dr perform a vbac. She said I’d have to sign my life (and that of my baby’s) away with a gazillion forms and she wouldn’t be able to really stand up for me except to say, I must do what my patient wants me to do. This sounded fine at 6 months, but at 8.5 months, I was freaked, especially when she told me that if a problem did arise there was a 99% chance the hospital would not be able to save the baby. They simply were not equipped. That was unacceptable, so I threw in the towel and had a repeat C, and it was just as glorious and amazing as any other birth I’ve experienced. Nothing can sour the beauty of a new life, of seeing your new baby for the first time. Birth alters the world, it makes everything perfect. This is the feeling I’m addicted to.
As I acknowledged, C-section’s are not the end of the world, people. They aren’t terribly painful, you can get up within the first 5-6 hours and walk around and you can see your baby immediately after. They are quick, almost instant gratification and no pain/pushing during labor. My only reason for craving a vbac is the excitement, the unknowing of when your baby will be born. With a C-section, the due date is planned, and I’m not a planner, planning goes against my grain! Hence, I enjoy the chaos of the inevitable, is this labor? Is THIS labor and I’m truly one of those freaks that loves being in labor, the anticipation is out of this world!
And talking about obsession, I’m obsessed with baby names. This is a fun obsession, for me! For friends and family, sorry if I speak of nothing other than baby girl names. We have a boys name should we be blessed with a boy, the middle name is up in the air, but we do have the First Name, and no, I’m not telling you! The girls name is quite a different story. We are in trouble should God choose to bless us with a baby girl, primarily because we have perameters. The name must be 3-syllables and end in “n”. I love the name Gianna (St. Gianna Beretta the Patron Saint of Life and the St I prayed fervently to when I thought I was miscarrying), and this will be our baby’s middle name should we have a girl. But that’s where it ends. I’ll give you an idea of how desperate I feel, here’s a list of names that struck me as possibilities when I first heard them: Maelen, Adelyn, Gabriellen, Hadrien, Evangeline, Briallen (I still like this one), Rhiannon, Belen, Arielyn (pretty still), Cymbelin, Magdalen, Gwendolyn, Eadlen, Elowyn (love the nickname Winny). Pretty stinking desperate! We will definitely take suggestions, but it’s gotta sound good with Gianna.
So that’s where we are (I am). I don’t rush pregnancy, I absolutely love being pregnant as I would expect one would have to in order to be pregnant for the 12th time! That, too, blows my mind. I am going to have 1 dozen children. 18 years ago, who would have ever thought? Who would have thought that the college drop-out and his stay-at-home wife could make a go at a life and make it such a fantastic, amazing, joyous, adventurous and blessed life at that? Love does make the world go around. It is the sustenance for life.
God Bless, have a wonderful fun-filled weekend!!
Here is the video of our 12th BABY being born!!!